Tuesday, October 11, 2005

All Mixed Up

I have mixed feelings about Rachael Ray. I can take her in small doses, but after about 30 minutes she starts to really annoy me. Could that be the reasoning behind 30 Minute Meals? Anyway, I have some things I'd like to say to her. I know the whole open letter thing is tired but then again, so am I.

Dear Rachael Ray,

I will smile and nod and defend you through your first 7 EVOOs, but after that I will join all my girlfriends in mocking you while simultaneously resenting your energy and success. Though you always tuck in your shirt like a late 80's preppy and I'm constantly waiting for the inevitable tucked-in sweater, I wish I had a smile as cute as yours. I start watching the show thankful that you seem so down to earth, but by the end of the show I'm convinced that you're just as phony as those kids I knew in high school that seemed to have perfect charmed lives only to end up drinking nail polish remover and dating 97 lb. heroin addicts. You find the neatest little cafes on $40 a Day, but I can't help but wish that once in a while you'd get a bad meal and stiff the waiter and have them come running after you on the street barking about how they work for a living and then you'd end up on the Shitty Tipper Database and I could read all about it and laugh.

You've moved out of the Food Network ghetto into an FHM spread and your own freakin' magazine. The FHM thing was just weird and it looks like they busted out the photoshop just a little bit (c'mon girl, you can tell me) but I have to give you props for launching your own magazine, joining the ranks of Oprah and Martha. I guess I see you a little bit as an Eve character, all charm and naievete until one day Emeril gets some Essence in his eyes and has to take some down time and all of a sudden you're like, "Oh no, I can cook Italian/Cajun and I'm even good friends with the Emeril Live Band," and next thing you know poor Emeril is at home crying red tears and you're permanently telling us to "Kick it up ANOTHER notch" while cocking your cute little head to the side

Perky is all well and good, but all things in moderation, my dear Rachael.


PS - Call me if you ever want to dish about that ho Sandra Lee.

I spy with my little eye: DSL!


MSH said...

That FHM spread was terrible. She has all the sexual energy of a rolodex.

Teah said...

The first thing I noticed was the photo shop blurs, after that..what?