Sunday, October 30, 2005
Sandra Lee: Trick or Treat?
Let's talk about Sandra Lee. She hosts Semi-Homemade Cooking, but it's really more like half-assed cooking. She looks like she may have once been a mean sorority sister (the University of Wisconsin is her alma mater). Her soon-to-be-ex-husband has more money than God.
I should hate her, right? Nope, I love Sandra Lee. Sandra is like your aunt who's been married 4 times and doesn't have any kids. She works in a salon and drives a convertible. She drinks a little too much and most of the family is embarrassed by her, but you always try to sit next to her at Christmas because she's the most interesting one at the table. Who cares if she dresses a little inappropriately and she hit on your seventh grade teacher? She's the one who taught you how to put on makeup and she's the one who told you all the family secrets when you turned 18. When a boy breaks your heart, you're not going to call Mom, you're going to call Aunt Sandra, who will sit on the other end of the line drinking a bottle of wine and agree that he's a bastard for treating you like that and she never liked him anyway.
If you're a guy, you'd just be stoked to have a hot aunt.
Sandra Lee may be the Black Sheep of the Food Network family, but it wouldn't be the same without her. Who else would suggest buying pre-sliced vegetables for your pizza? Pre-sliced vegetables? That's just the beginning! According to Sandra, you can also use canned spaghetti sauce on your pizza. You hear that? That's Giadadada de Laurentiiiiiiiis wailing in horror! You can also use pre-crumbled cookies to top your cupcakes! They really sell pre-sliced veggies and pre-crumbled cookies? Americans really are lazy!
Sandra was anything but lazy when it came the costumes on her Halloween Special. She was a princess, a French maid, a can-can dancer, and a dairy maid. Four costume changes in 30 minutes? Beat that, Rachael Ray! Her boobs were popping out of the princess outfit, and I swear the cameramen were trying to obscure her breasts, Austin Powers-style, with the centerpieces on the table. The last thing the Food Network needs is a Sandra Lee wardrobe malfunction*.
I hear that Sandra Lee is getting divorced. Now, I don't want to start any rumors or anything, but did anyone else notice the vibe that she had with Tyler Florence? Was I the one only who feel the electricty pulsating between the bolts on Frankenstein's forehead and her cleavage? I'm officially on the lookout for any Sandra-Tyler gossip, because they were way too chummy on the show to escape that kind of speculation. Sandra is almost single and word has it that Tyler is a bachelor, so it wouldn't surprise me if they cooked up another joint venture. I really hope the Ghoul Aid they made together was just the beginning.
Happy Halloween, Sandra Lee. I'll definitely be sitting next to you at Christmas this year.
*Although it would please the many visitors who arrive to my site by searching for "sandra lee naked" and its variants.